My thoughts about men
“Do you see men in your practice?” A question I receive quite a bit and the answer is a hearty - yes! Many of the men I see in my sexual consulting practice are there with their partners who are typically women. I encourage people to bring their partners to sessions because sex is typically about the two of you, regardless of who you think has the “issue.”
I want to let you behind the curtain to know what I see in the men who come into my practice. Are you ready?
The overwhelming majority of men I see are kind, eager, willing, lovely humans. They are introspective, funny and earnest. They work hard to deconstruct within themselves what is holding them back from connection in their own sex lives. I love this about them. I love them.
Also, the overwhelming majority of men are deeply impacted by a society selling them the lie that the only acceptable things for men to feel and do in their regular life are anger, problem-solving behavior and productivity.
In turn, we also sell men this lie that the only acceptable place to be tender and delicate, the only place to advocate for gentler body needs, the only time it is acceptable to take direction and feel present instead of constant problem solving is…you guessed it…sex.
No wonder sex feels so emotionally regulating for men.
How many times to do I hear men say, “If I don’t have sex for a while, I get anxious and honestly kind of grumpy.” It makes sense. I’d feel grumpy too if I wasn’t encouraged to experience a wider range of emotions in any place but my bedroom.
Purity culture and even society often sells this grumpy behavior as a “need” to release / ejaculate, but there is not a reliable body of evidence that suggests this to be true. There is however a reliable body of evidence to suggest that men are taught to be restrained emotionally, with the exception of anger, in their day-to-day life but encouraged to experience ALL emotion in sex.
I’d want more sex too.
This month, we are going to be focusing on the ways in which men are affected by societies expectations of them and how this translates into your bedroom. (Hint: more sex isn’t usually the answer.)
I would encourage you to use these newsletters as a platform for conversations with the men in your life.
Here are some questions you may want to begin with:
What feels good about sex, not just physically, but emotionally?
Describe some areas of your life where you feel fully present? Is sex one of them?
How comfortable do you feel expressing emotions other than anger and frustration to me or your friends?
Do you feel pressure to be always productive or constantly problem solve?
Cheers to men…I’m excited to go on this journey with you this month about the men in our lives.
Rooting for you.
Celeste
Velvet Box
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SPOTLIGHT
@prisonfeminism is the first place I want you to go to see men doing the work to undo internalized misogyny. It is beautiful and kind.