My Thoughts About Men (Part 2)
We are continuing our series on men. WOO HOO!
Last week we talked about how men are socialized to express only a certain narrow field of emotions, and so they may lean into sex to be able to experience the wider range. You can read last week’s email here.
So men often tell me that sex feels not just physically good, but emotionally good. They feel empty and irritable if it's been a while since they have had sex but content and lovely afterward. Emotional regulation is finding ways to manage uncomfortable emotions. This often happens through a combination of body and mind. We could need to down-regulate (work to reduce the intensity of a feeling) or we might need to up-regulate (work to increase the intensity of a feeling).
Because men are socialized to be pretty great at down-regulating most emotions, sex can become one those beautiful spaces to up-regulate and actually FEEL tenderness, gentle body needs, care, desire, erotic exchange and softness. This is all well and good UNLESS sex is the only place you go to up-regulate these things. Then it can feel so frustrating if sex isn’t happening quick enough for you to emotionally regulate.
Let’s consider that maybe the solution to that empty feeling isn’t always sex, but rather emotional regulation outside of a sexual experience? If we are having sex with our partners only to regulate ourselves, is that a connective experience or is it a one-way experience that feels a bit empty on the other side - leaving you wanting it again, and soon.
It makes me wonder if this creates a feeling objectification and obligation in a partner who may feel they are only there to serve as a regulatory factor in sex.
Maybe being more emotionally regulated before entering a sexual experience makes that sex so much more connective, pleasurable and intimate.
Think about sex as a mutual experience we have, a connective place we go instead of a problem to solve.
And come back next week when we talk about managing rejection!
Celeste
Velvet Box
Erectile Dysfunction Class
Check out the LIVE class by clicking the button below, hovering over "Classes", and selecting “Live Classes”.
SPOTLIGHT
Zach is digging into the work of taking back mental load from his wife and it’s pretty incredible. Check him out!