Sexual rejection doesn't need to be personal
"When my partner turns me down for sex I feel so rejected." I hear this...a LOT. It's said by both men and women but since we are focusing on men this month, let's talk about what it might mean to men.
If you missed the last two weeks emails, we talked about how sex is one place where men feel tender, intimate and soft. Ways they are not encouraged to feel in other aspects of their life. Knowing this, we can see how a partner turning down an invitation to sex could feel big, or personal. Asking for sex if vulnerable, especially when we now know that it is also aligned with emotional regulation.
I'd like for you to consider this. Consider that your partner's desire for sex and your partner's desire for you as a person are totally different things. Like if my partner offered me an apple pie that they had made and I wasn't feeling hungry at the moment, I might say I am not interested in it. It doesn't mean I am not interested in my partner... or even the pie. It just means I'm not hungry for pie in that moment. It has nothing to do with how much I love and want my partner.
I recognize sex is more nuanced and complicated than pie, but the work to separate desire for sex and desire for your partner can help you navigate sexual initiation better. You can also work toward negotiating sex that works for both of you by talking about sex earlier in the day, helping each other get in a sexual headspace and working to undo the barriers to arousal.
So what do you think? Does this help rejection feel less personal? I sure hope so!
Rooting for you!
Celeste
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