Is it a fantasy or a desire?
Sweet Sweet Fantasy, Baby
Are you embarrassed, ashamed or scared of something sexual you have thought about that gets you aroused? Congrats, you have a fantasy and like many people, you worry that this means you would want to do that behavior/ those people/ that experience in real life.
Let me help out here. Fantasies are thoughts we have that help us feel something we want to feel. Aroused, excited, safe, desired...all things that we can feel just by thinking a thought. Cool right?
However, fantasies are not always desires. Sexual desires are behaviors we want to do in our real life. Often, fantasies are not desires.
Here is an example. I often hear people say they fantasize about having a threesome. It is a very common fantasy because it gives you the ultimate feeling of being desired. (TWO people want to have sex with me, not just one or none!)
But often (not always) this fantasy isn't enacted in real life because:
- it is more complicated in real life
- it is outside of that couple's value system of monogamy
- the bed isn't big enough
What do you do with this information? First, give yourself compassion for having fantasies. They are normal. And for the record, not everyone has fantasies, and THAT IS NORMAL TOO.
Second, get curious about what feeling your fantasy is after. Desire, novelty, excitement, fun? What feeling does your fantasy provide?
Third, decide if your fantasy is something you would actually want to do in your real life, or is ethical and feasible to do in your real life. Will it become a desire?
If the answer is no, go back to what you want to feel and have a conversation with your partner about what sexual or non-sexual behaviors can help you feel what you fantasize about feeling. Build your next sexual experience off of this conversation. If you fantasize about having a threesome because you like the feeling of being desired, but that is outside of your value system of monogamy, talk with your partner about how you can BOTH engage in behaviors that help you feel desired. For example, they initiate sex instead of you, you have sex in the middle of a workday or you try sex in a new place. All of these ideas can help you feel desired because your partner is going outside of their normal comfort zone to have sex with you.
This week, give some consideration to your fantasies. What are they telling you? What are your partner's fantasies telling you? What conversations about fantasy versus desire can you have that could lead you to better connection?
Rooting for you, always.
Celeste
SPOTLIGHT
The Gentle Barn makes me smile every time they come up on my feed and I see a fuzzy cow getting head scratches. It’s just the sweetest thing.