Thoughts About Beauty and Bodies

I’ve always wished that I was the type of lady who loves makeup and finds it eyeshadow to be the most personal, fun, creative outlet.  I am not that lady.  Even at almost 40, I find makeup application on the list with cleaning baseboards and waiting in line at the DMV.  Although I like the end product, I don’t love putting it on.

I once heard a therapist talk about body image in this way.  If the thing you want to change about your body wasn’t a part of the “ideal” image, would you still want to change?  If so, maybe consider that you (your body) are not the problem.  That the unreal, limited and male propagated body “ideals” are the actual problem.  

This makes sense to me and ultimately has helped me in some areas of my body that I have historically wanted to change.  However, the process of fighting against those male ideals still falls within the circle of women.  

This is really important to acknowledge. 

The work of pushing back against male propagated ideal body image is still falling into the hands of women to do better.  

I do not see men stepping up (much) in this area.  Wanting and encouraging women to conform to certain standards of beauty for their benefit feels comfortable, easy and good for men.  So it makes sense that they are hesitant to step out of this privileged role and do the hard work. I get it, because as a person who works to roll back the shame myself and my clients often feel when we compare ourselves to unrealistic beauty standards, I get worn out. This is tiring, difficult, frustrating, sad, unending work.  And we have to do it every time we look in the mirror. 

It is no wonder that sometimes it’s just easier to put on makeup and begin another diet than fight the feelings of unworthiness that culture has laid heavy upon our skin and fat and bones.

For example, as much work as I do to generally feel good moving about the world in my personal skin sack, there are still behaviors I employ that make myself more agreeable to beauty culture.  I sometimes wear makeup. I cover up my dark spots and my zits.  I have multiple pairs of spanx.  I often wear eyelash extensions.  I employ hair removal techniques and have many padded bras.  These are just a few of the ways I conform to beauty standards.  Frankly, it’s easier for me at times to do these things than to do the work of fighting the internal stigma placed upon me by unrealistic “standards” when I don’t.  I feel less stressed and less trauma when I employ these efforts.  Basically, I think less about what other people are thinking about my body. 

And let’s be very clear.  I experience far less pressure than most to look a certain way because I already greatly benefit from the privilege of being thin-ish, tall, white and able-bodied. I am “pretty.” I fit somewhat cleanly into a Euro-centric standard of beauty.  And yet, I’m still affected by it’s slimy, insidious tentacles. 

When I began the work of liberating my body from these unrealistic standards, I used to feel like a fraud when I put on makeup or fretted over my appearance. How could I advocate for women to embrace and accept exactly who they are while I was also wearing a push up bra?

Almost suddenly one day, it occurred to me that I don’t have to feel badly about wearing eyelash extension while preaching body acceptance.  Because the work of changing beauty standards shouldn’t actually be my responsibility.  It should be the responsibility of those who created the unrealistic standards.  So my job is not to convince all women everywhere (including myself) to give up dieting and makeup.  My job is to rail hard against a patriarchy and an industry who makes it difficult for every woman, at times to look into the mirror and see herself as perfect.  We have not created this phenomenon.  Therefore, we women are not responsible for fixing it.   

It occurred to me that I can go all in and fight against patriarchy in heels or tennis shoes, jeans or cocktail dress, no bra, padded bra, bikini, stretch marks showing, belly out and eyelash extensions.  It didn’t matter. The important part was to be strong enough to fight.  A war that I didn’t start but I still have to wage.  And if that means I feel more fierce in a fucking smokey eyeshadow, then That's. Just. Fine.

Feeling strong enough to continue to fight is the point.  Sometimes feeling strong enough means you take care of yourself by employing harm reduction strategies. Marginalized groups have used the concept of harm reduction to survive prejudice and discrimination for centuries.  In terms of fighting beauty standards set for centuries by the patriarchy, this will look different for everyone.  For me, I had to really understand what felt oppressive to others that I was no longer willing to participate in (diet culture and fatphobia) and what, for me was my own personal harm reduction.  In other words, something that I do that conforms to beauty standards because I would rather do that than fight culture everyday in the mirror.  Right now, for me that is eyelash extensions.  

I used to think that I could just try and figure out “what I really want.”  And there is a lot of pressure from well meaning people to simply, “do what makes you happy!” But I find that our bodies and the way that culture sees them is much more convoluted and nuanced than that.  Let’s say what “makes you happy” is a full face of makeup.  You just love it!  You love how it makes you feel and the look that it gives you.  It feels like a creative outlet and a “different” look.  Not better, just different.  Awesome!  I hear you.  I feel that way too.  But I also acknowledge that it makes me happy because I am now more conformed to beauty’s “ideal” and so I feel like I now belong.  I am showing up more “correct” than I was before. I fit in.   This is sobering to me. 

What would really, actually make me happy is to not feel the pressure from culture to do anything in particular to my body and simply walk around all day in the same comfy sweatpants and t shirt.  I’d like to never wear makeup and everyone is on this same page and zero people including me don’t give a fuck or ask me if I’m “tired” because I didn’t conceal my under-eye circles. 

Spending zero time on harm reduction strategies so I could spend 100% of my time feeling love and helping others and fostering relationships and making money and having fun and creating orgasms and taking my dogs for walks would actually make me very, very happy. 

But, the culture of beauty standards still exists, and experts seem to agree that we will always have some sort of standard.  And that means we will have to continue to fight it.  That is going to look different for every single person and it will not always be what makes you happy.

When I stepped away from diet culture, and decided to fight my own fatphobia in the mirror every day, it did not make me happy.  When I decide to go out without makeup and somebody says, “You look tired.” I do not feel happy.  When I grew out my grey hair for a year I felt self conscious every time somebody looked at my roots, I did not feel happy.

Also, spending $150 on getting eyelash extensions doesn’t make me happy.  Putting on an uncomfortable push up bra doesn’t make me happy.  Blow drying my hair in Texas summer doesn’t make me happy. 

But it reduces the harm from patriarchy I feel when I look in the mirror.  It reduces the harm I have to feel when I don’t conform to beauty standards.  It reduces the embarrassment and shame of my unconventionally beautiful self.  It helps me cope.  It doesn’t make me happy… but I do feel more safe. 

Harm reduction strategies often give me more focus for the fight. When I conform to beauty standards for a work presentation, I feel more focused on the content I’m presenting versus the discomfort of wondering if the audience is distracted by my short eyelashes and greasy hair.  I can give a stronger more focused presentation on helping women embrace their sexuality and their vulvas, their pleasure and their arousal.   These women go home and strike up better conversations with their lovers and their friends about sex.  And the sex education we have discussed gives them more confidence to explore their own body, to know how to find pleasure.  And finding their own pleasure from their vulva empowers them to seek more pleasure in their life.  They embrace themselves more fully, ask for what they need in and outside of the bedroom.  And getting their needs met helps them laugh more heartily with their partners and find softness with their children and grow more confident in their own skin and run for office and ask for promotions and burst glass ceilings.

And that is the story of how getting lash extensions and washing my hair help smash the patriarchy. 

So, what’s your beauty routine?  Or in other words, what harm reduction strategies do you have in place to help smash the patriarchy?