Must you jump from one to the other?

"I don't want to suppress my sexuality anymore, but does that mean I have to accept that anything goes sexually?"

I've heard this from many younger people trying to release the grip of purity culture, but feeling hesitant about where to go from there. I also hear some version of this when parents are talking about how to raise their own kids differently than they were raised.

"How do I raise my kids without sexual shame? I'm afraid that being too "sex positive" will encourage them to hook up with just anyone."

First, let's discuss binaries. A binary is when we assume that there are only two stable options and they are in opposition of each other. Zero or one. Good or evil. Masculine or feminine. Purity or perversion.

Binaries are easier to explain and digest. They are simple. They can seem to ease decision fatigue. However, there are very few actual binaries in our lived experiences. For example, I'm not all masculine or all feminine. Even in nature, there is day and night, but there is also dusk and dawn and a host of other in-betweens. I find binaries are rampant in difficult subjects because we look for easy digestible answers instead of doing the harder work of the middle ground.

Sex is one of those difficult subjects.

This is why we teach "comprehensive" sex education. It is more than binary.

This is why we teach "pleasure focused" sex education. It is more than reproduction.

This is why we teach "trauma-informed" sex education. It is more than understanding healthy sexual experiences.

Sex is not purity or perversion. It is a host of behaviors, assumptions, biases, choices and exploration. It is one road in which we experience connection and pleasure. It is sensual, practical, annoying, difficult, explosive, wonderful, stagnant, weird, silly and often very average. It is unhealthy at times. It is healing at times.

It is anything but binary.

This month we will continue talking about how to create a sexual ethic that works to help you make sexual choices beyond the binary. Understanding how to build a sexual ethic will also help you develop better non-binary conversations for your kids too. Think beyond purity and perversion. Think of all the beauty and complexity of the in-between. That's where great sex lives are built.

Love,

C

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