Do you have different sex drives?
If so, read on.
Do you and your partner have the exact same sex drive?
Nope. Is this okay?
Yep.
Couples have different sex needs. There are never two (or more) people on earth who want sex at the same time in the same way with the same amount of arousal throughout the course of their entire relationship.
All people have to negotiate sex. ALL of us. We have to negotiate when, how and how much. (If we aren't negotiating, how do we know if our partner is getting their needs met too?) This is where most of us get tripped up. We aren't ever told that sex is always a negotiation, so we think that when sex isn't "natural" or doesn't happen "spontaneously" then something must be wrong with the partnership.
But Celeste, at the beginning of our relationship, sex was easy! We both wanted it all the time!
Sure! It absolutely felt easier! You want to know why? Well then hear this:
Novelty fuels arousal and responsibility kills it. The relationship was new (novelty) and the responsibilities were probably low(er) - as in less bills, kids and emails.
When the novelty wanes and the responsibilities rise, arousal can become harder to access and therefore sex drives feel different and more difficult to blend.
The first step into negotiating sex when novelty is lower and responsibilities are higher is to get very clear on what each of you want to feel in sex. Answer this question together. "My dream sexual experience would feel...”
Pleasurable? Connected? Fun? Erotic? You get the idea. Then, once you have a good idea of what you want to feel in sex, you can start to build in the behaviors that help each of you feel those things. If you want to feel more connected in sex, would it help to be sure you have some connected face to face (not face to screen) time earlier that day or week? If you want sex to feel more fun, would it help to have space away from the kids to transition into ease and playfulness?
Negotiating sex is part of what can make sex amazing. So don't be intimidated by different sex drives. Start with what you want to feel in your sexual experience and then work your way back to the behaviors that help you feel those ways.
You may just find better sex for both of you on the horizon.
Love,
Celeste
P.S. Need more help with the sex drive difference? I got you friend!
SPOTLIGHT
A favorite of mine is a grassroots initiative in my sweet little / big town of Fort Worth. Funky Town Fridge is a food access system that has provided relief to parts of our city that experience less access to food. The fridges are filled up by those of us who have more resources and help those with less resources. It's that simple and that profound. Founder Kendra Richardson works to abolish hunger while highlighting food waste all with her three "fridge babies."
Give Funky Town Fridge a follow on Insta or donate to one of her fridges today via her website.