I was wrong on this one.
Okay, I was wrong and I need to tell you the truth.
For years, I talked about women having a hard time managing the thoughts of their responsibilities that happen during sex by using a waffle/ pancake analogy. I used to say women were like pancakes and men were like waffles. We know that responsibility kills arousal, and in this analogy, responsibility was syrup. On a waffle, you can compartmentalize your syrup. You can place it in some squares and not others and generally control where the syrup goes. I would say men were a bit better at compartmentalizing their thoughts. When they are at work, they think of work. When they are playing with the kids, they focus on the kids. When they are having sex...you get the idea.
I used to say that women were more like pancakes, where it's difficult to control the flow of syrup (aka the never ending to-do list). The thoughts are everywhere, always. When she is having sex, she is also thinking about work, the sick kid, the contract and the thank you cards that need to be written. Therefore, arousal in sex becomes difficult.
I have since changed my mind on this.
Women are not like pancakes. Our brains are not functionally different than men's brains. We don't juggle or multitask better than men. (Pause for scientific evidence here. I bring receipts, y'all. See the referenced study by Hirsch & Karbach, 2019) We have waffle brains too, with the ability to focus deeply on one thing at a time, uninterrupted. Which means we could be having better sex with the ability to focus on just sex instead of all the outside interfering thoughts.
So, the difference is not in the waffle or pancake. We are both waffles. The difference is the quantity of syrup.
Men have a manageable ramekin amount of syrup. However women have the other three gallons of syrup. There is not a waffle around that would be able to compartmentalize that much syrup. So why do we have so much? Because much of it is in the form of invisible labor.
What's "invisible labor" you say? I'm so glad you asked.
Invisible labor (Hatton, 2017) is the physical and cognitive labor of running a household, that still unnervingly falls on women. It is also the social, emotional and relationship work that goes unseen and unnoticed because women have been conditioned to think we are either better at it or "should" be doing it.
Planning kids birthday parties down to the fork color, picking up the prescriptions, managing cat hairball medicine, sending the card to the cousin who is in chemo, opening mountains of snail mail just to recycle most of it, combing through kids clothes to sort out the outgrown items, taking those items to resale or donation, cancelling unused subscriptions, getting a gift and card for teacher appreciation week, knowing which type of snuggle toy each kid prefers on sleepovers...and these tasks don't even include the daily grind referred to as the "second shift" a woman does before and after her paid labor.
Here's the thing. Erotic, sexual energy takes mental space. Arousal needs time and energy to be creative. To experience. To explore the unknown. All of these elements are damn near impossible when most of the minutes in your day are dedicated to uninspired, banal tasks that are unclaimed, undone and unnoticed by anyone else.
Whew *pulls collar*...is it getting hot in here?
Well, we are going to tackle this particular phenomenon this month as we look into how the household invisible labor can make sex also disappear...and what we can do about it. Can't wait!
Hatton E. (2017) Mechanisms of invisibility: rethinking the concept of invisible work. Work, Employment and Society 31(2):336-351. doi:10.1177/0950017016674894
Hirsch P, Koch I, Karbach J (2019) Putting a stereotype to the test: The case of gender differences in multitasking costs in task-switching and dual-task situations. PLoS ONE 14(8): e0220150. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0220150
Until next time,
Celeste
SPOTLIGHT
Daughter and mother Blair Paysinger and Juana Williams are co-founders of this week's sweet spotlight. Just in time for Mother's Day! Here is what they say about their online store Post 21. "It was time to create the place where we wanted to shop. A place designed for black women to feel this is for me. A place that offered design forward products from black owned brands. We launched our business June 1, 2020 to align with our name Post 21. Commemorating that we stand on the shoulders of the entrepreneurs in Tulsa, OK who were attacked and burned down on May 31, 1921."
VELVET BOX
From Purity to Pleasure {ONLINE}
May 12, 2021 at 08:00 PM CST
This one-hour lecture-style course will introduce you to the effects of purity culture on adult sexuality. Growing up in a conservative culture that teaches the female body is to be "saved and given to a husband" has lots of problematic effects in adult sexuality. Often, this type of messaging teaches that sex is dangerous which can lead to low libido, sexual pain and sexual shame in adulthood. However, with careful identifying and managing of these messages, pleasure and connection is absolutely possible!
GOODIES FROM THE ‘GRAM
