Confronting white exceptionalism
Actual footage of me confronting my white exceptionalism.
As of today, I have 5,081 people on my email list. Clients, friends, and generally people interested in learning more about sex. Most of you live in the U.S. and are between the ages of 30 and 50. Most of you identify as female. Most of you are white. In other words, most of you look a lot like me.
This email is for you.
I want to talk about white exceptionalism. Specifically my own white exceptionalism and yours. When outrageous and violent acts of terror happen, I have historically been quick to distance myself. "Oh, that's not me. I'm not one of them" However, distancing myself from acts of white violence is not just unhelpful, but works to continue violence.
Here is how: I benefit from the exact same privilege created by systemic racism. I am able to move through the world with no violence against me because of my skin color. In fact, my professional and personal life have all benefited from my white privilege. I drive, sleep and run without fear. I would have been able to walk through the gates of the Capitol, gun in hand. And simply because of my white skin, I might have even been helped up the steps.
So, no. I'm not that different. I carry the same violent privileges upheld by systemic racism that create domestic terrorism at the Capitol.
This may feel awful to you.
It certainly does for me too. But here is the good news. (And yes, there can be good news.) Once I got less fragile about my own internalized racism, once I held on less tightly to my "good white lady" image, my life actually got richer, deeper and more purposeful. I felt less perfectionistic. More connected and self aware. I became less afraid to do things wrong or to be called in or out. (I'm sure there are parts of this very email that are problematic, and I may be called in on them - great!)
I listened more and then I spoke up more.
By understanding myself to be not exceptional, my life has become more meaningful and
hopefully less violent toward oppressed people.
I love you. I really, truly do. You are enough to do this work. We can do this work and if we want goodness, justice and mercy, we actually must do this work.
Action Steps For Us
Check in on your own white exceptionalism. Journal about how distancing yourself feels good but also creates a barrier to change. Next, look up white rage and white urgency.
Check in with your black and brown friends. Don't be fragile. It's not about you. Be supportive. Send money for a takeout meal. Continue this forever.
Follow and pay black anti-racist educators. Monique Melton in the spotlight below is a great start. She has helped me find clarity around my white exceptionalism as well as many other privileges.
SPOTLIGHT
Monique Melton is a highly sought-after anti-racism educator, published author, international speaker, and host of the Shine Brighter Together podcast. She is also the founder of Shine Brighter Together, which is a community dedicated to healthy relationships & diverse unity.