How to sexually pivot in the New Year!
I typically love New Year's Eve. Even though it really is just another day, for me it's still exciting to imagine beginning again. The cool thing about a new year is that even though it is another start, you aren't starting from scratch. You have all that you have learned and noticed and grown into the past year. And you can take that into the new year!
When working with clients on their sex life, sometimes there is a pattern that emerges in the work. At first, the growth is big and real, sex is getting better! Communication is clearer! How wonderful!
But then, an argument about sex, an unsatisfying sexual experience or a lull in the desire for the work brings them to their session with me feeling deflated.
"It feels like we are back to square one. Like we are starting over," I often hear lamented from the other side of my video screen.
But here is the truth. You don't actually go backwards when you are learning. It is impossible. The growth line for sex is a spiral that leads up, not a circle. You may be feeling some of the same frustrations, having a similar argument as before, but you are actually one level up. You have more knowledge, more skills than you did the last time you had this argument. So you may be experiencing the same things, but you have a new and more clear lens of how to move through the conflict. Here are some specific sex examples.
Tulip finds herself frustrated when she initiates sex with Bob and he says he's too tired. Bob feels her disappointment but stays silent. She goes to sleep feeling rejected, he goes to sleep feeling frustrated.
In our first few sessions, we discussed what it would feel like to work on sexual pivoting. This is when you make a plan for sex, and when things go awry (like you ate too much stuff crust pizza) you have a pivot plan.
When Bob and Tulip came to this same scenario a month later, Tulip asking for sex, Bob being too tired they had more knowledge, and were able to pivot to a different plan. They both agreed to have a sexual experience the next morning. They both went to sleep feeling known and at ease.
They didn't eliminate the experience, but they did have more knowledge and skillsets to make the experience less painful. This is the beauty of a growth spiral.
Let's enter into this new year at the next level, shall we?
xo,
Celeste
SPOTLIGHT
I love to highlight Melissa Pintor Carnagey several times a year because her work is incredible. She is helping families build sexually healthy mindsets from a young age. If you need help talking to your kiddos about sex or finding books and resources, head over to Sex Positive Families and you are sure to find the help you need!