You'll get pregnant.
You'll get an STI.
Nobody is going to want you.
You will be unlovable.
You will be soul-tied forever.
You'll ruin your sex life with your future spouse.
You'll lose your innocence.
You will go to hell.
These are just a few of the messages that some of us receive growing up regarding having sex before we are married. Are any of these familiar to you? We are focusing on these particular messages today because they communicate one directive.

"Sex is dangerous."

The idea that sex will hurt us, emotionally or physically, is quite impactful. Over time, hearing this message implicitly or explicitly from adults that we trust embeds in our body a fear of sex. When sex eventually happens, even if it is after marriage, the body tries to protect from the "danger" by shutting down. Even if the mind cognitively understands that sex should be "allowed" the body can't turn down the message of fear overnight. So when presented with the perceived "danger" of sex, the body does the thing it is hardwired to do. It clicks into fight, flight or freeze. To get us out of danger, our body shuts down all non-essential systems to focus on getting us out of harm's way. (In a different example, if you were being chased by a tiger, you might poop your pants because digestion is a non-essential system in that moment, so your body shunts all extra energy to your muscles for running. You are welcome for that visual. #tigerqueen)

Arousal (also called libido), is not an essential system for survival, and therefore it gets shut down by the body in anticipation of the danger. Right at the moment we need it most! Arousal is our body’s way of preparing for sex. It helps tent the vagina and lubricate the vaginal tissues so that sex is not just comfortable, but pleasurable! So if arousal isn't there, pain will most certainly follow.

I see many women in my practice who experience low libido and painful sex. Most of them have a background of messages that indicate sex is dangerous. It takes time, patience and work, but these messages can learn to live in the past. Pleasure and connection in sex is possible! But first it takes the understanding of the multifaceted and nuanced reasons that pain and low libido happen. Not the least of which is the body's attempt at keeping you safe from a threat created from purity culture.

How were you told that sex was dangerous? What are you doing now to combat this message?
If you need help, I'm your gal.

With love,

Celeste

Sources

Bersamin, Melina. Fisher, Deborah. Grube, Joel. Hill, Douglas. Walker, Samantha. 2007. “Defining Virginity and Abstinence: Adolescents’ Interpretations of Sexual Behaviors”. Journal of Adolescent Health 41(2): 182-188.

Fahs, Breanne. 2010. “Daddy’s Little Girls: On the Perils of Chastity Clubs, Purity Balls, and ‘Ritualized Abstinence.” Journal of Women Studies 31(3): 116-142.

Stone, Alyson. (2013). Thou Shalt Not: Treating Religious Trauma and Spiritual Harm With Combined Therapy. Group,37(4), 323-337. doi:10.13186/group.37.4.0323

Valenti, Jessica. 2009. The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession With Virginity Is Hurting Young Women. Berkeley, CA. Seal Press.