I'm insecure about...
Clients often say, "I'm insecure about_________" - fill in the blank. Thighs, stomachs, stretch marks, boobs, feet, skin, wrinkles, pimples, hair...you get the idea. This is probably not news to you, and certainly something I have felt before and continue to feel at times. The way we feel about and inside our bodies is often linked to how we feel about sex lives, so that must be why I hear this line a lot.
What I propose to my clients, myself and what I would like to propose to you, is a new way of considering our bodies. It has been helpful for me to place the responsibility of that feeling where it actually belongs. The Beauty Industry (see also: diet culture and patriarchy).
When we say, "I feel insecure," we are taking full responsibility for those negative feelings. Like somehow that insecurity is your fault. Let me assure you, it is not. You feeling insecure about your physical appearance is the fault of an industry that profits, big time, from those exact feelings. So, they continue to be loud and obnoxious in your ear.
I also hear, "I need to work on my self-confidence...I have low self-esteem," which is a way for us to continue to place the blame of our insecurities squarely on our own shoulders.
"If I could build my self confidence, then I'd feel better." May I suggest that you don't have to "work" on your self esteem at all? Maybe, simply changing the perspective of responsibility can make a big difference in how you feel. My therapist often says, "Feelings aren’t always facts." I think this rings true for body insecurity. Just because you feel insecure, doesn't mean you are the one who caused the insecurity, or that you need to do anything to fix it. You don't need more "self-esteem." Really, you don't.
You have everything you need to feel awesome because you were born with everything you need to feel awesome. It's that simple. Nobody actually has physical "flaws." That is a made up social construct created to make money.
So, next time you feel some sorta bleak way about your body, try placing the responsibility where it belongs. You are actually just out here in the world being perfectly, uniquely you, when sometimes these obnoxiously snarky voices from the Beauty Industry start yelling at you about something they want you to spend money fixing. So stop taking the fall for their inhumanity.
When feelings of body insecurity come up, instead of saying "I feel insecure." Try "The voice of Beauty Industry is yelling at me today about my _________."
Put the responsibility in the right bucket. Once it is there, then you can decide how you want to quiet the voices of Beauty Industry. (Which is a topic for later.)
Until then, know you are wonderful and I love you.
Celeste
Spotlight
Photo courtesy of https://twitter.com/d_jannette
Jannette Davies is the founder of Sonder & Beam and co-founder of Scarlet Ladies. Sonder & Beam hosts frank and open conversations about female sexuality and sexual experience for Cis gendered, trans and non-binary people. Every woman is welcome. Scarlet Ladies is London’s leading community of sex positive women. Check out both of these organizations and support with clicks, follows and money.
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