The Drunk History of "True Love Waits"
Do you love Comedy Central's Drunk History as much as I do? No? Then this might not be your jam and you can skip down to the Spotlight. But if you have a sense of humor and possibly an old purity ring in your closet, this might just be your thing.
"True Love Waits" - A Drunk History
Cast:
Richard: Jim Gaffigan
Youth Minister Chaz: Zac Effron
Narrator: Me
A bunch of white evangelical Southern Baptist dudes were sitting around a table on Sept. 9 of 1992, (also known then as a "church leadership meeting"), and a clever old white man named Richard, who was employed by book publisher LifeWay Christian Resources had a million dollar idea. "We should de-sexualize all of our youth (but mostly the girls)!" He said, finger pointing high into the air.
"Yes!" All the old white dudes at the table responded, thinking of how uncomfortable they were even talking about sex. Richard, also known as "Dick" by his closest friends, continued, "Let's tell them (mostly girls) that sex is sinful and that they shouldn't do it, or think about it, or even dress in a way a boy might think about it. That way, we won't have to teach them anything about actual sex because all of our own sex lives are filled to the brim with shame and we don't know how to teach sex education in a way that is empowering.
We will define 'sex' the way that is most pleasurable for us, heterosexual men: putting a penis into a vagina. And sexual sin will be defined as doing this type of sex before you sign a marriage certificate and your union is legal before God and the great state of Tennessee. For added emphasis, we can tell them if they wait until marriage to have hetero-man-pleasure-centered sex, it's gonna be perfect. It will be like prosperity gospel, except with sex."
"How do we do this?" One particularly inquisitive white dude at the table queried. He did not have daughters, only sons, for which he knew their sexuality could not be controlled, because they were of course, boys...with penises.
"We target the young girls!" Another white dude at the table suggested. He did have daughters and also a shotgun that he brought to the door when their dates arrived because he didn't trust his daughters or their dates to be able to make their own healthy sexual choices.
"Huzzah!" They congratulated each other heartily for their cleverness.
Dick thought to himself, 'What do young girls aspire to have?' He thought of his favorite movies, just released. The Bodyguard, A River Runs Through It....Aladdin. What did these movies have in common? True Love. That's it!
"True Love Waits!" Shouted Dick, now standing up, both hands raised high, grasping for the future dollars sure to rain on him from his agile marketing.
"We love it!" Wept the entire dude table, so relieved they would not have to talk about actual sex to their kids ever again, as they were all still so confused on the location of the clitoris.
Chaz, a white youth minister, in ripped jeans and a popped collar touched his puka shell necklace and his eyes sparkled.
"Let's promote abstinence, but MAKE IT FASHION."
So, they did. And in the first year, 102,000 youth (mostly girls) signed Lifeway Christian pledge cards, bought Lifeway Christian purity rings, and bought the Lifeway Christian True Love Waits handbook called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" written by a 23 year old white dude with no sexual experience who clearly knew everything there is to know about sexuality and the Bible.
And that is the story of how the "True Love Waits!" campaign began.
The End. But not really...stay tuned this next month as we tackle purity culture and the negative impact it has created for women and relationships, as well as how we can use best sex practices in scripture to create a healthy sexual ethic. I can't wait!
Spotlight
Goody Howard is an intimacy consultant, sexuality educator and HIV activist!
She’s been an adult industry insider for over 10 years and she informs, educates and empowers her clients with the knowledge that sexual pleasure IS sexual health.
Goody is Local (Dallas)!
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