Are you disappointed with sex?
I had a pretty big disappointment this week. Nothing tragic, but disappointing nonetheless. A big project I've been working on fell through, suddenly and thoroughly. I gave myself a timeframe to be sad and angry. I woke up the next morning and picked up the book I'm reading, "Let The Mind Run" by world-class marathon runner Deena Kastor.
As I read, Deena talked about an early- career race she had trained hard for. With her toe on the line, she felt confident and prepared. She was ready to conquer.
But she couldn't get it done. It wasn't her day. She crossed the finish line in 14th.
Back in her hotel room, as she was contemplating what went wrong, her coach stopped by. He saw she was holding back tears.
"I know you are disappointed." He said softly, with much empathy.
Then he said, "That's good. That is very good. Disappointment means you are committed. You're invested in this work."
Reading this one line really changed how I felt about my disappointment. If my work wasn't full of purpose, if it didn't mean so much, I wouldn't feel the stingy sharpness of disappointment when things go awry.
I hear couples often express their disappointment in sex. "This isn't what I thought it was supposed to be. I thought sex was going to be different."
It can be disappointing. This whole sex thing. Because many of us only see sex on tv or porn and it always looks SO easy and exciting. Nobody ever tells you that sex is work. And that it takes way more communication than you might think. Sex may be biological, but it isn't natural. It is a skill that you learn and adapt as you mature and age. But the fact that it is sometimes disappointing also signals that you are invested in your sexual relationship. You are committed to making it work. Making it better.
If you are feeling disappointed, I understand. I've been there. (If you don't know, I struggled with sexual pain, shame and low libido myself in the early years of my marriage. You can read that story here.)
I also want you to know that underneath that disappointment, I see your commitment. You want this to work. You are invested in this relationship.
Even though July came in like a wrecking ball, I'm excited to move forward, knowing that my disappointment means I am invested in my purpose.
Rooting for you my friend,
Celeste
SPOTLIGHT
Tricia Hersey is the founder of The Nap Ministry, an organization that examines the liberating power of naps. They engage with the power of performance art, site-specific installations, and community organizing to install sacred and safe spaces for the community to rest together. The Nap Ministry facilitates immersive workshops and curates performance art that examines rest as a radical tool for community healing. The Nap Ministry believes rest is a form of resistance and name sleep deprivation as a racial and social justice issue.