The most important love letter you will write.
The most important love letter you will ever write may be the one addressed to the earlier version of yourself.
But let's start with Wonder Woman. You may already know I love Wonder Woman. I hope you have seen Patty Jenkins' 2017 film. (You know, the movie that blew box office records even though it was about a female superhero and everyone thought people didn’t watch female-driven movies? Yeah. That one.) If you haven’t seen it, now is the perfect time. Stream it, buy it, rent it, youtube just this fight scene. I will wait.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJCgeOAKXyg
Pay attention to the scene where the Diana (Wonder Woman) comes to understand that an entire town of innocent people is being held captive by the Germans. She is in an American trench with Steve Trevor, an American spy and friend, and they are shooting across this blank landscape at the Germans in the trenches 300 yards away. They have to invade the German side to be able to rescue the people in the town.
Diana is insistent that they go across land between the trenches, face the German gunfire and complete the rescue.
Steve vehemently disagrees, saying that they would surely perish if they tried to cross the space into the German trenches. “No man can cross it!” He shouts over the explosions.
But she is no man.
Wonder Woman emerges from the American trench, shield up, bullets pinging off her bracelets.
The Americans in the trench watch in disbelief. They cannot understand what they are witnessing. Wonder Woman continues forward toward the enemy. All German gunfire focuses on her. She is deflecting the waves of bullets. Her eyes are steadfast on her goal - to save the people.
She makes it to the other side. She rarely uses brutal force. For her, it's not about killing the enemy. She just wants to save the innocent people. She fights for love.
Is this a fictional story about fictional characters with fictional powers?
Yes AND I DO NOT CARE.
Because the war you will have to face in your own mind, battling against the limiting sexual messages of your past is not fiction, but it is so ridiculous it might as well be.
The dichotomy of sex messages from media, pornography skewed bodies and behaviors and purity culture's bribe are just some of the messages you will have to fight to find liberation in your own sex life.
It is no man’s land.
But you, are. no. man.
This is what I’m asking you to do. To go into battle. To walk into the fray and open yourself up for gunfire. This is a time to fight because the people in the town are waiting, and the people in the town are actually earlier versions of you.
They desperately need you to come to their aid and say “I see you. I hear you. I know what you have been through. I know what you were told and promised. I love you. And I’m sorry.”
They thought that they were forgotten. They have been lied to and confused and told they were worthless. Chewed up gum, de-petaled flowers.
They need somebody to fight for them, and that somebody is you. They were told they weren’t pretty enough, or good enough or sexy enough. Then they were told they were too sexy and too loud and too much. Then they were told they weren’t small enough or their boobs weren’t big enough or their skin wasn’t fair enough. They were told they didn't want sex enough, wanted sex too much and wanted sex with the wrong people. They were left bruised, alone and hurting.
But this is not where the story ends, because you are fighting for the chance to comfort them. Go to them, take their hand and listen to their stories. Empathize with your own wounds.
Tell me about the people in your town? The earlier versions of you?
Is there a little girl there who was told not to touch herself?
Is there a young woman who got sent home from school because her shorts were too short?
Is there a lady who came across her partner’s porn and felt the cobra bite of comparison? Is there a woman who never feels aroused and feels responsible for her partner’s un-happiness?
Is there a 6th grader who thought if she kissed a boy Jesus would turn his back on her?
Is there a high schooler who was terrified that her parents would find out she liked girls?
Is there an in love young woman who has the most connective sexual debut and returns home to find a pile of guilt waiting for her, causing her to break up with her boyfriend?
Is there a girl who desperately wanted somebody to talk to her honestly about sex but nobody did?
I want you to fight through no man’s land to get to these women and girls. These versions of you who were not loved in the way you needed to be loved. Look at the group. Write a letter to each of them telling them what you see what they went through.
Brene Brown defines true belonging as: “The spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are.”
Damn.
All those earlier “yous” were trying to belong. Trying to be their most authentic self, exploring sexuality in a way that felt right and good. And the world told you to change who you are instead of being who you are. A sexual being.
So in order to help those feelings of woundedness in earlier versions of you feel smaller and more manageable, we have to go back and tell those people in the town that they were authentic and that you see their authenticity.
Tell the girl who briefly felt great after her loving sexual debut that she is right for feeling good about it. Tell the woman who finds the porn that she is right for feeling angry and that she doesn’t have to compare herself because she is enough. Tell the queer college girl that she is validated for feeling terrified because the rest of her family was incorrect in not loving her as she is.
These earlier versions were authentic. It was the rest of the world that was not.
On this Valentine's Day, I am inviting you to love on the girl in the town, the earlier versions of you. To fight through no man's land and get to her. Write her the loveliest of letters to tell her she is valid and safe and that she no longer needs to live the current version of your life. Because you've got this.