Who helps you make sex decisions?
Remember way last Friday when we talked about the three constructs that help you make informed sexual decisions? (I know. A lot has happened since then. But if you missed it, or simply don't remember it because a week in COVID times feels like a fortnight, here is the link.) As a recap, the three constructs are Science, Intuition and Value Systems.
Sometimes with sex behaviors, we rely on one of these constructs far more than the other two, and it can lead us into situations that are problematic. Any one of these constructs, used alone to make decisions creates unhealthy choices.
Here are some examples:
- Sex felt so right! I just knew in my soul we should do it. I got swept up in the moment and we ended up having unprotected sex. (High on intuition, low on science)
- We wanted each other so badly we couldn't help it. We were careful and we used protection. Who cares if we are still married to other people? (High intuition, low on value system)
- I'm waiting to have any type of sexual contact or sexual exploration until I'm married because that is my value system according to my religion. I feel like I want to explore more, but I don't because I'm afraid. I don't question or learn cognitively about sex because it all seems wrong. (High value system, low science, low intuition)
- My husband wants to have sex and I feel like I have to, so I do. He always asks kindly and wants to please me so badly. He constantly asks what I want, but I just don't know. I end up numbing out and feeling resentful. (High value system, low intuition)
- We deeply communicated and consistently questioned the root of our choices and ultimately decided we would wait to have certain sexual experiences until marriage. This felt like a good choice for both of us. However, we thought that sex would just happen naturally and organically when we got married we were lost and frustrated that it wasn't exactly like what we thought! Now we are learning and reading the books we probably should have read a long time ago. (High value system, high intuition, low science)
Here's the thing. Finding a blend of these constructs for sexual decision making is difficult. If it wasn't, sex wouldn't be so difficult to figure out. It is way easier just to be told what to do in one or two of those lanes and forget the other. But this almost always leads to difficulty.
In the upcoming webinar that Bonnie Lewis and I are presenting on Oct. 7, we aim to help you become better informed in both the value system construct and the science construct. Bonnie is a divinity coach and brings so much insight and value to the religious and spiritual side of sexuality. And I of course bring the science. #sexnerd. So the only other missing piece is...well...YOU! You bring the intuition!
Listen, no one person should be telling you what to decisions are right and wrong for you in your sex life. Not me, not Bonnie, not your parents or pastor or friends or people on the internet. You should be the one who decides, based on the three constructs, what is best for you.
Here is what people and providers in your life can provide to help you with your own choices:
- permission to explore
- education and information about sex
- suggestions for more exploration
- ways to ask yourself better questions
THE WEBINAR
If you are ready to figure out your own way forward in sex, this webinar is for you.
We are going to take the old purity culture messaging you reiceved and help you build a new, more blended sexual ethic that serves you so well you have better, more connected and pleasurable sex.
All you need to bring is your own intuition! (BYOI?)
See you on Oct 7.
SPOTLIGHT
Marie Dandie
Cofounder of pilotED Schools.
Dandie spearheads this emerging network of elementary schools serving K-8 students.
Using research conducted by The University of Chicago, the NAACP and pilotED's founding team, the school immerses students in an educational model with race, gender and social identity at its core.