I've stopped coloring my hair for exactly 365 days. This means that all the grey hair that has been struggling to poke through for the past ten years were granted an entire year in the spotlight.

Last November I decided to embark on an experiment. I wanted to see if going grey was for me. It seems to be all the rage. There are entire social media accounts dedicated to the transition to grey. (Really...look up #grombre.) After sitting in the stylist's chair for three hours last year, I decided that would be it. I was going to let my natural hair start to grow and see if I liked it. Pretty innocent.

What ensued was the slowest and most boring life lesson of all time.

To help with the transition, I just decided I wouldn't make any final decisions about going back to color or not until it had been a full year, and I could really see the grey - even though I was pretty sure I'd be ready to fully commit after that amount of time.

I decided to regularly ask myself these questions:

What do I feel?
What do I fear?

In the beginning, the answer to the first question was "powerful insecurity." The first few inches of grey growth were horrible. I'm 38 and I have been covering my grey hair for 9 years already. I felt exposed. I hated it and couldn't wait for it to grow long enough to appear purposeful.

I felt out of place.

Although I'm not typically too concerned with my appearance, if I'm honest, I still feared what other's thought about me "letting myself go."

Fast forward a few months and I started to really get cautiously optimistic about the grey. I could start to see patterns in my grey instead of just random strands. I had a lot more in the front, and almost 75% coverage around my temples.  Neat!

I felt curious. I still feared comments, but far less...because, who cares?  It's HAIR.

And to be honest, it started to feel kinda awesome to let myself go.

By around 9 months, it was very clear that I'd been growing out my grey. I started to get compliments, a few ladies said, "atta girl!" and then a couple, "you are too young to go grey," which I found particularly unhelpful. I've been greying since I was 29.  Nobody is "too young" to go grey.  But I digress.

Mostly I felt cool and confident like I was bucking a drunk system of a culture that requires women to look "young" in order to be relevant.  At this point, I started to fear very, very little. (Maybe too little? Lol!)

I was no longer scared of looking older. I was also far less concerned with the slim standard of beauty - or of what I was "supposed" to look like. The grey/ dark brown covered about 1/3 of my hair. The rest was leftover dark blonde / brown that I had been for years. My hair was anything but conventionally beautiful - and it bothered me very little.   I had officially let it go.

Now, I'm 12 months in. The grey / dark brown un-colored area is about 6-8 inches long and the rest of my hair is best described as "poor unfortunate souls." Here is the most unattractive picture of my hair that has ever been witnessed outside of my home.

AND I'M SUPER PROUD OF WHAT THIS MULTI-COLORED SQUID OF HAIR HAS TAUGHT ME.

Because, now I'm at the full 12 months, and this is what I feel:

(plot twist!) BORED.

Yep. Bored. I'm bored of the grey growth and I'm recognizing that I actually like coloring my hair because it is part of how I express creativity. The thought of being grey from now until my ashes are shot up into fireworks makes me...sad. But NOT sad because I'm afraid of what other people with think or say. And NOT sad because I think it is unattractive.

Just sad because I like change. That's it! I just want something different.

And this is what I now fear:

Being a fraud.

Being a fraud? Yes. Because, I thought I was going to be the lady that fully embraces her grey and gives a big middle finger to traditional beauty standards! I thought if I turned back now and colored my hair, I was going back on my word to show the world that beauty comes in all hair shades.

Here's the thing though:

It's okay to change your mind about who you thought you were going to be.

Again for those in the back...it is OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

So, I did. What I really felt about my hair was bored. And so I colored it. I would show you a picture of the beautiful brown that reminds me of my high school hair...but you would be missing the point! The beauty of the transition is not about the result, the beauty is in the messy middle.

I wouldn't have ever figured that I color my hair out of a need for creativity without a year of transition. A year to really understand what I felt about my hair. I would have continued to color my hair because I thought that I was afraid of looking old, or feeling unattractive. When in reality, I simply just like to change up my look.

Is this a too-long essay about my dumb hair color? Yes. Yes it is. But there is so much more here to learn.

I learned about the power and pain of processes, of transitions. About looking inward. About how the DURING is more important and helpful than the before or the after.

Changing your sex life is hard work. I'm not here to tell you that it is easy. The process is uncomfortable. There is a lot of looking inward.

A lot of asking: What do I feel? What do I fear?

But in the end, you get clarity. And you get to know how to move forward! A path that leads to more connection, more pleasure. Intimacy in an authentic way, not a forced way.

And - you get the opportunity to change your mind.

It is okay to change your mind about who you thought you were going to be - with your hair, with your body, with your religion, with your sex life, with your clothes, with your parenting, with your relationship, with your career, with your food...

You get it.

So...what transition would you like to begin with today?

Rooting for you through all the seasons of change,

Celeste

I Grew Out My Grey Hair And This Is What I Learned

Celeste Holbrook