I can start without promising to finish
You don’t have to want sex to be willing to have sex.
I know. That sentence makes me bristle too. We have spent a lot of time, for very good reason, teaching that sex should be wanted. After generations of women were taught sex was something they owed their partners, “only have sex when you really want it” feels like an important correction. Unfortunately human sexual arousal is messier than that.
Sometimes arousal arrives first. You look at your partner and think, Oh yes. Panty dropper.
But sometimes arousal doesn’t show up until after some sort of sexual experience has begun. You might not be in bed actively wanting sex, but you’re open to a kiss or some erotic touch. It feels good, so you’re curious about it continuing. You’re not enduring something you don’t want. You’re exploring whether there might be something here you do want.
In sex ed there is a big push for "enthusiastic yes" which is very helpful for people who are learning sex for the first time. However, as we get older, sex becomes more complex and I like to encourage a more nuanced approach - the "exploratory yes." Sometimes you aren't sure if you want something until you have tried a bit of it.
There is an important difference between “I want sex” and “I’m willing to see if I might want sex.”
Willingness is not obligation. It’s not Fine, I guess. It’s not avoiding someone’s disappointment or meeting a quota. Willingness has curiosity in it: I’m not aroused right now, but I’m open to seeing if I could be.
And if you explore a bit and you decide the exploration leads to a 'no' - that's okay too! And usually that is where we get nervous because somehow in sex we forget that it’s okay to start something without promising a specific finish. If arousal doesn’t show up, you pivot to a different time or a different way. Bingo bango. You are a sexual expert.
Hope this helps my friends!
