The vast majority of women I see are incredibly confident, but they wouldn't necessarily describe themselves that way. For example, I had a client who said, "I don't have the confidence to be naked very often in front of my partner."

This sentiment commonly surfaces in various ways.

I'm not confident enough to:

talk dirty
receive oral sex
turn the lights on
take my bra off
ask for what I want

The lists are endless, but you get the point. Have you ever thought this? If so, I want to offer you a shift in perspective.

What if you didn't need MORE of anything, but rather LESS self-monitoring? We often become self-spectators during sex, watching like a creep from above and judging every move and moan. It sounds weird when we put it this way, but it is truly what so many of us experience. Me too!

Try remembering the last time you FELT confident. Not performing confidence (we do this a lot, that's another email) but really feeling it, like in your muscles and bone marrow and brain synapses. I bet you weren't thinking about how your body looked or how things sounded. You were just present. Subtraction is the key here. You aren't adding confidence; you are subtracting self monitoring.

In sex, self monitoring disguises itself as "being a good partner" or "paying attention." But for many women you are really auditing your performance instead of being inside an experience.

Okay, so next time you are having sex, try this: When you feel yourself starting to audit and narrate your next move to yourself, choose one thing to stop tracking. Your stomach, your face, your sounds. Let them run free, unchecked while you anchor into a physical sensation.

How do the sheets feel on your butt? Breathe in the fragrance of the candle. How does your partner's skin taste? Follow that sensation for as long as you can, and you will most likely achieve at least a few seconds of presence over performance. String those seconds together and over time, you'll completely overhaul how you feel in sex.

Easy peasy...right?