it's not what you think…

One of the greatest tricks patriarchy ever pulled wasn't convincing women they were less than men. It was convincing men that sex was one of the only legitimate ways to experience comfort, connection, vulnerability, and emotional relief. (TA-DAA!)

We laugh about "blue balls," but beneath that "joke" is something much sadder: generations of boys who were taught not to cry, not to need affection, not to ask for reassurance, and not to lean on one another. If you strip away every healthy outlet for being human, sex carries far more weight than it was ever meant to.

I'm begging you not to not hear me incorrectly: I am not excusing coercion or suggesting anyone is responsible for another person's unmet needs. Adults are responsible for learning to regulate their own emotions. But when we treat men's relationship with sex as nothing more than entitlement or biology, we dehumanize them. For many, sex has become the only socially acceptable place to seek closeness, tenderness, validation, or even permission to fall apart - all hallmarks of humanity. What looks like an overwhelming need for sex is often an overwhelming need for connection with too few places to put it.

Patriarchy doesn't just overvalue sex. It undervalues every other way men might learn to be human.

Imagine if boys were taught that friendship could comfort them, that tears weren't weakness, that asking for a hug wasn't embarrassing, that vulnerability could exist outside of romance, and that emotional intimacy wasn't something reserved exclusively for a sexual relationship. We don't create healthier (less lonely) men by shaming them for needing connection. We create healthier men by expanding the ways they're allowed to find it. That's good news for everyone.

With sturdy love,