How to not hate men
There are days when hating men feels easy. Scroll the news, read the comments, listen to another story from a friend. Sometimes it even feels...good. (gasp) I get it. Same. But I don't want to become someone who hates a giant chunk of people, and more importantly, I don't think that's how we build the world we're trying to create.
bell hooks wrote that feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression. Not a movement against men. That distinction matters because patriarchy is not synonymous with men. It's a system that tells all of us what it means to be valuable, powerful, and safe. It tells women to shrink and men to dominate. And while patriarchy gives men unearned advantages, it also exacts a real cost.
Many boys are taught that sadness is weakness, tenderness is embarrassing, and asking for help is failure. They learn that vulnerability belongs nowhere except, sometimes, in sex. This is not inherent but rather a slow learning and socialization over time. In patriarchy, this is nurture over nature and nurture is dominating. The same system that teaches girls to abandon themselves teaches boys to abandon parts of themselves too. The difference is that patriarchy often rewards men for doing it while simultaneously telling women that if they maintain the status quo or actively shrink, they might stay safe, but certainly not rewarded.
When I see men doing the work of unlearning, going to therapy or coaching, apologizing without defensiveness, crying with their children, listening instead of leading, I want to encourage them. Nobody deserves a gold star for basic humanity, but transformation is contagious. Every man who lays down domination gives another man permission to do the same.
And the opposite is true for all humans. When we feel shamed for imperfectly trying, we become apathetic to change.
So yes, fight patriarchy. Fight every system that depends on people staying disconnected from themselves and each other. But don't lose your humanity while you're doing it. Systems don't change because we become better at hating people. They change because enough of us become brave enough to imagine one another differently. I don't hate men. I hate the lie that men must become less human in order to become men, and I believe helping each other unlearn that lie might be one of the most radical feminist acts available to us.
I love you!
The Pleasure Club
Want to actively try not to hate men together? That's part of what we talk about in Pleasure Club...and we'd love to have you! Our July book is Ejaculate Responsibly, a summary of why men are responsible for all unwanted pregnancies.
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