Massage? No thank you!
PLEASURE. What comes up for you when you say this word out loud? Tingly sensations? Excited feelings? Hedonistic definitions? Shame? Superfluousness?
In my practice, we talk about pleasure a lot. "Pleasure" is a pretty oversized and undirected idea of a concept is it not. Yes, of course you want to feel pleasure, but what does that mean exactly?
One of the biggest issues I see women struggling with is the capacity to define pleasure for themselves.
Not how the world defines it. Not how her friends define it. Not the media, the movies or her own mother. Not even her own partner.
(Side note: I often hear men with very good intentions say, "I wish she found pleasure in sex!" But what they actually mean is "I wish she liked sex like I like sex.")
It isn't until we are allowed to explore, find and embrace definitions of pleasure for ourselves do we really get to experience the healing power of pleasure. Through the pursuit of our own defined pleasure we garner agency and empowerment.
This process of defining our own pleasure takes a careful, tedious noticing and unwinding from all of the unmatched definitions of pleasure. Then a careful, tedious exploration of possible experiences until you find a fit. And then you do it all over again until forever. The end.
It isn't until we release from the idea that pleasure should always be easy will we be able to embrace the fullness of our pleasurable experiences.
This pleasure process works in and outside of your bedroom, so I will share with you an example of where I have come to define my own pleasure.
The world tells us that massages are the ultimate in pampered self care and relaxation. I have TRIED to love getting massages. I have tried to feel relaxed while some stranger touches my naked body. (I've really suffered from this data collection.) MASSAGE IS NOT FOR ME. Best I can do is a hot stone massage where there is literal hard packed earth weapons between me and the practitioner. It took me so long to unwind from the cultural messages that I should find pleasure in massage. I do not. And I finally stopped trying. You know what I like? Sitting on my couch reading an Architectural Digest magazine. This is one of the many ways I define pleasure. If it takes that much work for me to unwind from a simple message that "Massages are pleasurable for everyone," think of how much harder it would be to unwind from cultural sex messages that nobody wants to have an educated conversation about?
I'd like to encourage you to dig into defining your own pleasure, which means excavating the ideas of pleasure from the outside.
Need help defining, embracing and protecting your pleasure? Check out our upcoming Rogue Retreat built for women who are ready to do life differently. We blend work with life, not balance it. We make pleasure paramount, not secondary. We prioritize and value our own needs. We remove burnout as a badge of honor.
Are you ready to go ROGUE with us?
Spotlight
Just following Dalina Soto and reading her content has helped me heal much of my relationship with food. A lovely account!