Does initiation make you anxious?
What are your immediate thoughts when your partner initiates sex?
"Oh, how do I tell them I don't want to?"
"This is going to take forever."
"I'm not in the mood...how do I get in the mood?"
"I'm so tired, but if I do it now, I'll be off the hook for the weekend."
"Oh shoot...I think my vibrator isn't charged!"
Most of the clients that come into my practice have different sex drives, meaning they get aroused for sex at a different frequency. Often, the partner with the lower sex drive finds themselves in a state of mental gymnastics when sex is initiated.
Much anxiety is experienced the moment sex is initiated. If you are the lower arousal partner, or if you experience responsive arousal (arousal that shows up after sex starts) then this place is really tough for you. You may not be certain that arousal will show up...and if it doesn't, but you have said yes to sex, what happens then? You may feel inadequate that you don't feel like having sex when your partner does. Does that mean you don't want your partner? (Quick answer, no. Wanting sex and wanting your partner are two separate things.)
If you experience anxious thoughts when your partner initiates sex, I'd love to offer you some validation.
Here are a few reframing thoughts to try on for size.
"I'm not feeling aroused for sex, but I'd like to try and see if arousal shows up. If it doesn't, that's okay. We can finish in a way that makes both of us feel seen."
"I'm feeling too tired to see if arousal shows up, but I can talk with my partner about trying tomorrow morning when we are both feeling refreshed."
"It's okay that I'm not in the mood. That doesn't mean I don't love and desire my partner. It just means that I don't want sex right now."
In the next few weeks we will be discussing more about sex drive, arousal, desire and libido, because this is the most common area of frustration for the couples that I see. My hope is that you can find ways to embrace and work with your arousal system instead of feeling anxious about it.
Upcoming Events
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Upcoming Events 〰️
10 New Things to Try in Bed Webinar
An hour long webinar to introduce you to 10 new sex ideas to explore. Perfect for date night ideas or just to get you talking and exploring together.
(Use the button below, click “Classes” and choose “Live Classes” from the dropdown!)
Outercourse Webinar
You won't want to miss this hour long webinar! From grinding to come shots, I promise there is a whole exciting world of non-penetrative play that can add layers of joy to your sex life.
(Replay included with purchase post event)
SPOTLIGHT
Shanta Jackson is a licensed professional counselor here in the DFW area. She is the owner of The Homegirl Therapist and her focus is on serving Black women and women of color. As you search for a mental health provider remember that it is often helpful to see a person who has a similar life experience as you. If Shanta feels like a good fit, do yourself a favor and reach out.