Gap or Gain Mentality in Sex
Do you think about what does happen in your sex life or do you think about what doesn't happen?
The difference of these thoughts is a gap or gain mentality.
Here are some examples:
- If you are learning how to have an orgasm, do you focus on the fact that it doesn't happen, or do you focus on the pleasure that you did have?
- Do you focus on how distracted you were during sex or do you focus on the moments of ease and connection?
- Do you think about all the things you wish your partner wanted to do, or do you think about all the things your partner does like to do in sex?
In sex, we are often focusing on what isn't happening and I have a theory about this. We compare our sex lives to an unknown or unreal version of sex, which keeps us in a gap mentality. Remember, sex is the ONLY behavior where we only see performed versions of the behavior. Very few of us see normalized sexual experiences that aren't performed on a screen. So we have an understanding or "standard" of what sex is supposed to look like, feel like and even how much we are supposed to have. We begin to think of all the ways we aren't living up to the sex we want to be having. This is a gap mentality. Only looking at what is not there.
So I would implore you to start thinking about sex with a gain mentality. Start to find what IS there. What have you gained? The most progress you can make in your sex life comes from action taken in a gain mentality.
Wanted to run 10 miles but only got in 7? AMAZING! You ran seven miles!
Sex might not have lasted as long as you wanted it to, but remember how you spoke up for your needs and advocated for yourself? AMAZING!
Start taking action with a gain mindset in your sex life and see how motivating it is!
Celeste
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