Here's What My Horses Teach Me About Sex
What do two pictures of grey mares on the back wall of my office have to do with having better sex after purity culture? A lot, really.
We have spent the last few weeks talking about how to move through the negative sex messages of your past (from purity culture). If you missed those steps, you can find them here.
So what now? Now that you have become aware, deconstructed negative messages, stepped into vulnerability and you start to see liberation...now what? Now is when you strengthen the muscle of resilience. As with any growth pattern, it continues to be a process. There is not one moment in sexual growth where you are "arrived" and you have nothing left to learn. (I mean, how boring would that be?)
So, you learn to build resilience, or the ability to recover quickly from difficulties. Doing the work to move through past negative sex messages does not mean that they won't continue to show up, it just means that you are learning how to deal with them and let them pass through without interrupting your sex life.
This process takes both strength and benevolence toward yourself. That is where my mares come in. One of the ladies on the back wall represents strength. Her name is Sky and she is named after a large Irish Sport Horse that I took care of in grad school. Sky was the epitome of strength. Riding her was like riding a freight train that could jump. She was large and IN CHARGE. This picture reminds me of her grit, her tenacity and her ability to shut out any distractions, including me, trying to hang on for dear life! Strength.
My other mare represents benevolence. She's named Gracie, named after a mare I took dressage lessons on a few years ago. Unlike Sky, Gracie was tender, delicate and sensitive. Riding her was like walking a tightrope. Every step perfectly placed. She was so in-tuned to me, always listening for my cues. And ever graceful when I would botch things up atop her elegant confirmation. She'd let me know when I was miscuing her but would also give me 1000 more chances to get it right. Benevolence.
Strength and benevolence. Your own sexual freedom...the sexual liberation from the negative sex messages of your past take both strength and benevolence. Going from "I can't touch myself." to "Watch me touch myself." will not happen without strength and benevolence. Going from "I re-coil when sex is initiated," to "I initiate sex," takes resilience.
Wouldn't you like to be that free? Let's liberate together, shall we?
Love,
Celeste
SPOTLIGHT
Marla is a sexologist and professor at Clayton State University. Her book The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay released last year and her next book An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy will be released this year. Marla aims to bring diverse groups together to learn and share their experiences in authentic liberation across communities.