When sex feels "dirty"
"I just feel like sex is...dirty. Like it really isn't for me."
I hear this numerous times a week. It is one of the most prominent feelings among the women that I see in my practice. Growing up in purity culture is one of the primary reasons women feel like sex is dirty or not for them. Indeed, in this culture we tell girls under no circumstances should they be sexual. Don't act sexual, don't dress to show your skin and certainly don't have sex. If you had parents who didn't give you much if any sex education, the messages that sex is to be avoided is the only "education" your body can hold on to. If you don't actively address these early messages, it can influence the way you feel about sex into adulthood.
One of the ways to move through the feeling that sex is "dirty" is to re-parent yourself. Bring up an earlier version of yourself, maybe one that asked about sex and got shut down, or that 3rd grade you who had to listen to those Focus On The Family tapes. Then focus on telling her the authentic truth. The sex education she deserved.
Here is a small list of places to start:
- Give compassion for her questions and her desires. Tell her they are good.
- Give her a comprehensive sex education. Start with understanding her body fully.
- Tell her that it was not okay that nobody told her the truth about sex. And that it is not her fault that sex is difficult. Nobody gave her a skillset except for "wait" and then expected her to be a vixen.
- Encourage her to listen to her intuition. It is just as important as science and her value system.
30 MINUTE DISCOVERY CALL
If you are ready to address some of those earlier messages you were given growing up so you can experience sex that is more connective and pleasurable, I can help you re-parent your earlier you.
SPOTLIGHT
Dr. Kizzmekia S. Corbett, a viral immunologist working with the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases is one of the reasons my husband, parents and many of you are vaccinated and will not die of COVID19. That's a big freaking deal! At the age of 34, this incredible scientist has led a team to the creation of the Moderna vaccine. I owe her a debt of gratitude and thanks to how much easier I sleep these days. Public health is my original and most fervent professional love and intelligent, brave women like Dr. Corbett have me feeling breathlessly hopeful for the future of our nation. Thank you Dr. Corbett. I can't wait to follow the trajectory of your already impressive career.