I have clients who experience different levels of libido tell me that they have tried scheduling sex before in the past, but it doesn't end up working as well as they had hoped. The concept is good, but the execution can make or break the idea.

This is why I suggest taking the approach of intentional sex. Creating sex that is intentional means that you have multiple conversations about sex. First you start with a conversation about framing. What does your environment need to feel and look like in order for your arousal to show up? Do you prefer sex in the morning after coffee? On the weekend? Right before going to sleep? What are the rituals you like to complete before sex? A bath? A de-stressing conversation? A scroll through funny memes? What does your environment need to look like? Bed made? Candles lit? No laundry in your bedroom? Kids asleep? Partner's teeth brushed? What can your partner do during the lead-up to help you access your arousal? Sexy texts? Take on some added responsibilities that are typically yours? Give you time to yourself?

Once you can land on your ideal frameworks, look for a time in the week that many of those things can happen. Decide on a time that works for both of you.

And then (and here is the key to why intentional sex is more effective than just scheduling) TAKE SEX OFF THE TABLE ON THE OTHER DAYS. This distancing from sex on the other days allows you to connect in all the other ways that are just as important and it also allows you to build some desire for sex. If sex is ALWAYS an option, you are never allowed to build desire for it. If you are always feeling anxious about if sex is going to happen each time you get in the bed together, you are worrying WAY too much about sex. Intentional sex immediately takes much of that anxiety away. It lowers anxiety for both partners because you exactly when sex is going to happen and so you can spend your other time without worry.

Intentional sex also helps reduce initiation fear. If you find it difficult to initiate sex, intentional sex reduces that fear because you have already talked and agreed upon a time. So all you really have to do is show up!

Okay, so what happens when your intentional sex time arrives and one of you ate too many breadsticks and is just too gassy for sex? That is when you sexually pivot! Next week I will tell you all about how to sexually pivot to help reduce feelings of rejection and anxiety around sex.

Love you all!

C

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SPOTLIGHT

Terria has been in my life for over five years, continuing to teach and challenge me and my body. I've run my fastest half marathon with her help AND I have learned to treat my body kindly, listening to what it needs under her watchful eye. Lately, we have been working on hip mobility as I have a generational curse of double hip replacements that I'm trying earnestly to avoid. I can't tell you the positive impact that Terria has had in my life and I know she could have in yours. If you are interested in learning more about her services, and how she can help you gain a better relationship with your body, check out her website below.

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