How My Late Brother Helps Me Begin Again
My brother, Devon, was fantastic at fresh starts. He freshly started at least 23 instruments (and just as many jobs/ cars/ relationships/ hobbies). Of all the instruments, I am most fond of the memory of him playing drums.
I remember he and his friends would play Nirvana's "In Bloom" and change the pronoun, singing it to me (as I weaved through the VERY LOUD garage band practice session on my way to Algebra tutoring, church drama practice or some equally as nerdy thing).
"She's the one
Who likes all our pretty songs
And she likes to sing along..."
The way he moved through life, exuberantly following his desire to experience more has inspired me since he passed in 2009. In fact, my parents and I made a pact to live our lives more adventurously in his honor.
For me, that means embracing fresh starts like he did. Sometimes that means embracing something shiny and new. I've recently considered taking drum lessons to immerse myself in new beginnings and feel the unseen connection to my brother. I can imagine him walking in the room with his big smile and head bangin' while I'm pounding out his favorite Metallica songs on my cool drum kit. This is a favorite memory that never was or will be...but it brings me much joy all the same.
Other times it means a fresh start of the familiar. I have "freshly started" distance running at least 5 times since I began in grad school in 2004. One of those times was directly following Devon's death, as a means of dealing with grief. I learned very quickly that I had to move my body in order to be strong enough to carry the sadness. I freshly started running again after the twins were born as a means to experience the "outside" and have a moment of liberation from caretaking. This year I have picked up running again. Not to get away or to carry sadness, but because I just love it. Huh. Weird how that works.
But being a beginner is hard, vulnerable work. Did you know that the term "brand" new comes from the Germanic languages and it means a "new beginning forged in fire?" Newness is difficult! Forcing yourself to try something that you know you won't excel at right away is torture! You want to do something brand new? You gotta slog through that heat.
Think of me learning to drum. I mean, can you even imagine me trying to use my arms AND legs to create something that resembles music? Ha!
How about taking that first run when you have been out of the running game for a while? Two words. Sore and slow.
Beginnings keep me filled with humility, grace and awe at the people who have started before me - the ones that never gave up and eventually excelled. All the great drummers and all the great runners. Beginnings also remind me to remember the folks beginning now where I started a while ago. In my life this looks like people having babies or starting a small business. In work it looks like people beginning the process of uncovering limiting beliefs about sex due to purity culture or starting to understand and address their low libido. I'm further along in these processes so I'm able to help them ask themselves better questions and most of all I can give tons of encouragement about their future path that I can see more clearly.
If you feel "meh" about setting New Year's resolutions like I do, then maybe try something more nuanced. Commit to new beginnings. Start something fresh. Experience the heat of the unknown, simply for the sake of putting yourself out there for the grace and humility of noviceness. No goals to achieve. No numbers to track. Just novelty. Just fresh. Brand new. Forged in fire.
What. A. Feeling.
Thank you Devon for helping me begin again and again. I love you and miss you. Always.
Love,
Celeste