4 Things You Do That You Aren't Getting Credit For
I am so often telling women that the biggest killer of arousal is responsibilities. (Thanks to the good work of Esther Perel.) When we consider the responsibilities of our life, we often think of the work tasks, the laundry, balancing the finances or fixing the car. These, of course, are all legitimate responsibilities. #allthelaundry!
But, did you know that your physical, concrete responsibilities are only part of the story? You probably have many cognitive responsibilities that you are also taking on, that you may not be getting credit for. Here are four cognitive responsibilities that I want to give you credit for doing!
Because you are badass and deserve credit for this stuff!
1) Anticipation - Are you the one who plans meals, manages the calendar and the retirement plan?
2) Identification - Why is the car making that noise? Who needs a red shirt for school? Where is a good place to store all this kid's special but ugly art?
3) Decision making - Which baby sitter are we going to use? What is for dinner? What brand of frozen peas is the best for our family?
4) Monitoring - How are we doing on toilet paper? Why is my kid mopey? Is my dog still puking? Did my husband call his mom for her birthday?
If you identified at least one of the categories on this list, (and let's be honest, you know it was more than one), than I want to give you a trophy.
You win. You win at handling all the things that NOBODY SEES OR GIVES YOU VALIDATION FOR.
And you know what? You are rocking it anyway.
So...the next time you are really trying to get into the mood for sex, but your mind keeps racing, I want you to give yourself some grace. Remember that you have concrete AND cognitive tasks on your brain.
Give yourself a break, feel the weight of the responsibility, acknowledge it...and then let it pass on out of the bedroom. Continue to do this as many times as you need until you can relax and find yourself enjoying a sensual touch.
And if you can't seem to relax? It might be time to talk to your partner about how they may be able to take on some of the cognitive load.
Most importantly, I want you to know that I see you. I see the tasks that you do and I see the cognitive load that you also carry. And your tiredness, your worn-out body and brain. They are valid.
So my darling, please find rest. It is okay to rest. You have permission to rest. For your body, for your brain. This weekend, find a space to do and think not one thing.
You are worth it!