Do You Count The Days Between Sex?
"I count how many days it has been since we had sex."
This is one of the most common phrases I hear in my practice.
"I know that if it has been a certain amount of time, he will get agitated and I will need to have sex with him."
Does this sound familiar to you? Because if it does, I want to tell you that there is a radically different way to experience sex in your relationship. You don't have to feel anxious about it happening.
You don't have to feel like it is an obligation or a checked off chore.
And if responsibility is the biggest killer of arousal, then the deathblow to your sex drive arrives when sex becomes obligatory.
But I've got brilliant news.
1) You are not alone.
2) This issue is figure-outable.
The first step in helping you not feel so much pressure around sex...is TO TAKE OFF THE PRESSURE AROUND SEX!
In my practice of coaching people into their best sex lives and consequently relationships, there is a lot of going back to the beginning. Figure out what kind of physical affection can arrive without pressure and take everything else off of the table.
If that means you spend a certain amount of time (and by time I mean weeks) just kissing, just holding hands, just laying together...just exploring without penetration, than you do it!
This is just the first of a pyramid of steps it takes to help you gain your sexual agency back. To feel like sex is for BOTH of you, not just one.
To stop counting the days in anticipation of an anxious partner.
And as always, I love you.