This weekend marks 16 years of my life without my brother in it. This is my deepest and most profound sadness, but let me be very clear: everyone grieves. Everyone loses. Jobs, friends, opportunities, babies, time, health, homes, and purpose are just a few examples of places we lose and grieve. I want to share with you four gifts grief has given me time and again. Maybe you will recognize a few.

1. The gift of boldness

My brother Devon was adventurous. Never still, never satisfied, always searching for the next fun thing. When he died, my mom, dad, and I decided to commit to living more bold lives in his honor. It has taken me on trips around the world and was actually what it took for me to start trying to get pregnant. A bold move if I do say so myself.

2. The gift of triage

I often ask myself, in the end, how much does this matter?

Usually, very little.

3. The gift of parts work

Grief changed me. It forced me to meet parts of myself I never had to before, the version of me that was endlessly sad and usually angry. Until March of 2009, I had never had to sit at a table with her. She was scary and unusual and unknown. Now, I love her well and tend to her often.

4. The gift of the simultaneous

Before loss, I thought of emotions as separate. Joy here, sorrow there. Grief taught me that both can exist at the same time. That we can laugh even as we ache, that missing someone can make us more grateful for who remains, that life can be both devastating and hilarious in the same breath.

I love you. I hope you have endless gifts from your grief.