Why do you feel guilty during sex?
What does it mean when we feel guilty about something in sex?
Here are a few examples of things I hear in the practice:
I feel guilty that I take so long to come.
I feel guilty that my favorite sex is oral sex and not penetrative sex.
I feel bad when I don't want sex as much as she does.
I feel guilty when I don't want to do what they want to do.
I feel bad that I'm not really attracted to him physically.
I feel bad that I want sex more than he does.
Instead of just sitting in the "guilt" let's get more curious about what these feelings are really trying to tell us. First, anytime that you feel "bad" or "guilt" in a sexual scenario, start to unpack why that feeling is there in the first place. What messaging of your past tells you that you should feel bad about loving oral sex? Who told you that you have to have the exact same sexual desire? At what point in your life did you get told that physical attraction is the linchpin to enjoyable sex? (Hint: it is not.)
Spend some time digging into who gave you these ideas. Did your church tell you that penis in vagina sex was the ultimate definition of "sex" so now you feel like oral sex is less worthy? (Hint: It is not.)
Was it pornography that implicitly told you you should be having mind-numbing orgasms within a few seconds of sexual initiation so now you feel like 20 minutes is an insufferable amount of time to get aroused before climaxing? (Hint: It is NOT.)
Or was it every movie and advertisement ever in the history of all time that told you that great sex only happens between two young, thin, conventionally attractive people? (HINT: IT DOES NOT!)
Today, I encourage you to start questioning the root of your "guilt" or bad feelings about aspects of your sex life. Where are they rooted? Are they based in fact? A therapist friend of mine says "feelings are not facts" and this resonates so well with sex. It is one of the only areas that we do not talk about in real, helpful ways, and our education is woefully sparse. So it makes sense that we would often believe something about sex that absolutely isn't true.
Cheers to questioning your guilty sex feelings! May it bring you ever more connected sex this weekend.
Love,
Celeste
Upcoming Events
Did you know that I teach for an adult toy store called The Velvet Box? About every other Wednesday night the Velvet Box brings you a webinar workshop, perfect for enhancing all different aspects of your sex life. (For example, this past Wednesday I taught all about Kink and BDSM. Spanking anyone?)
This upcoming Wednesday (10/21) I am so honored to bring you my lecture on the impact of purity culture. This one hour webinar is just $10 and you will learn about how purity culture has lasting negative effects on your sex life as an adult. I'd love to have you join us!
Spotlight
If you need some lightness infused into the doldrums we call 2020, check out this podcast, Thirst Aid Kit. Join Bim Adewunmi and Nichole Perkins as they dig deep into the various ways women express their thirst, asking: Why do we desire who we desire? At a time when men are Not Doing Great, Bim and Nichole want to keep asking questions about Hollywood inclusion and opportunity, through illuminating and hilarious conversations with special guests, original fan fic designed to make you sit up, and of course [REDACTED]. Bring a straw… and come thirst with us.