The right love triangle can create a lasting, phenomenal sex life. Now despite the picture that got you to click on this blog post, I’m not talking about a complicated relationship between three people. (I have talked to lots of folks and have yet to see that one work in the long run.)
No, I’m speaking of an even more thrilling love triangle. The one that will keep you satisfied sexually for decades!
This love triangle has three elements: commitment, intimacy and excitement.
Commitment is incredibly important in creating a long-lasting phenomenal sex life because it fosters a space of deep trust. If you know your partner is committed to you–and only you–you begin to feel secure. And security is part of what makes great sex, great.
Sexual security is:
- knowing that your partner is sexually healthy
- being confident that your sexual secrets are safe with each other
- knowing you are the only person that is having sex with your partner.
This is not to say you can’t have wild, exciting sex without commitment. People do this every day. But to have a wonderful sex life that is long-lasting and intimate, commitment is a must. You cannot feel completely secure with someone that you have just met.
The next part of the triangle is intimacy. Intimacy is necessary for long-term, amazing sex because it helps keep you close. Intimacy is the most basic part of sex because physical intimacy is what makes you and your partner different from any of your other friends. Your best friend may know everything about you, inlcuding your most embarassing moment (which involves a stinky situation on a teeter totter after eating Taco Bell). But your partner knows you intimately in bed. They know what you look like without spanks and a miracle bra. They know that goofy giggle you do when you are getting in the mood for sex. They know your curves (and all your edges . . . thank you John Legend).
Intimacy paves the way for you to be vulnerable with your partner and ultimately conveys your confidence in your relationship and yourself. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and vulnerability won’t fully be achieved without commitment and intimacy.
Sexual vulnerability is:
- taking your clothes off for the first time around each other
- feeling comfortable with the sounds you emit during sex
- asking your partner to do something you have never done before
- telling your partner exactly how you feel in the moment.
The third peice of the sexual triangle is the element of excitement. Excitement is the element that keeps you on (or off) your toes and coming back for more. Excitement is the reason that you try new restaurants, go on roller coasters, and get a new hair cut. The thrill of the unknown, the anticipation of something amazing. Newness. Novelty.
Sexual excitement is:
- looking forward to your next sex session
- enjoying a new sexual position
- having sex in a new place.
Books, magazines and media focus a majority of their sex “advice” on the element of excitement. “Ten Tips For Erotic Touch,” “The Kama Sutra,” and “Sex Tips To
Make Her Moan” are all examples of increasing the element of excitement in the bedroom. Sexual excitement sells (we’ll come back to this in another post). And sexual excitement is an amazing motivator to get in the sack because it typically increases arousal.
You can have one or two parts of the triangle without the others. Many people do. But your best sexual experiences over the long run will be when you have a balance of all three.
Mark and Tulip may find themselves completely committed and deeply intimate with each other, sharing their dreams, goals, and spirituality, but their sex life lacks excitement. Without excitement they will become bored and disengaged.
Chris and Elle may have exciting, novel sex every time, but they lack the communication skills that foster intimacy. Without intimacy they will grow distant.
Howard and Ashton have wild sex and have shared intimate moments, but they both see and sleep with other people from time to time and are not committed to one another. Without commitment, their sex life will eventually fray from lack of security.
These three aspects of your sex life are the ultimate menage a trois. After some time in a relationship, you should have experienced all three. They are all very important to your healthy sex life.
So your assignment for this Throwdown Thursday is to evaluate each aspect of your own sex life. Become aware of gaps in the triangle and work toward creating a more balanced sex life. And if you found you have a gap in one area, go ahead and invite that third aspect into your bedroom. This love triangle is guaranteed to improve your relationship