Isn’t it an unspoken rule that while the Olympics are on the rest of the world is allowed to be unproductive? You may think that watching these amazing athletes accomplish the unthinkable would bring about a passion and fire for achieving my own unlimited potential. But no. You will actually find me sitting on the sofa guzzling Pringles, painting my nails patriotically and avoiding the P&G commercials that make my ovaries weep.
The Olympics however, did get me thinking about all the ways that the events imitate real life. Specifically our sex lives. So I thought I would share the only productive thing I have accomplished in the last 10 days or so. Your sex life described through summer Olympic events. What events will you be experiencing tonight?
Diving – Diving is the “quickie” of the Olympics. It is hot, lusty, dizzying…and completely over in less than 10 seconds.
Race walking – This is like sex that you are committed to but have no energy or desire to go all out. You have experienced the art of mediocre race walking sex if you have ever tried to have sex while you are both lying on your back. You are committed to getting to your destination…in the most practical, energy conserving way possible, thank you very much.
Soccer – Three hours of intense (fore)play, requiring stamina, fortitude and lots of movement. Which makes up for the fact that at the end of the night the score is still one to zero.
Shot put – Shot put sex is sex that is happening after a sex drought from low libido. It feels heavy and it is difficult to get momentum going. It may even feel and look a bit odd at first…. but once you put some strength and effort behind it, you can go really far and leave a permanent, positively beautiful dent in the grass of your relationship. (Am I stretching too far with the analogies yet?)
Taekwondo – This is like that one time when you tried to do a sexy striptease but you were wearing skinny jeans. The jeans won.
Gymnastics – Gymnastics is the wild sex of the Olympics. New positions, wild moves and dramatic flair for artistic points. You utilize a vast assortment of equipment to increase thrill levels and even the outfits you are wearing add to the excitement. But regardless of all the sexual cirque de soleil the one thing you obsess over at the end of the night is sticking…that…landing.
Now which event is happening tonight at your house?
Remember, I’m rooting for you, always!